Reen Zahari

I stargazed and it was a bewitching moment as I realised I have come this far to set for my own freedom. 

It is something that seems insignificant but some people do wish for it. I do remember the days living under the fun rules made by certain people to test our cultural disciplines rather than self disciplines. 

Kids were holding power wearing white collars, acting like a police. They called themselves LDP, I don't even know what that stands for. And there was a minority of us as new comers, hoped to learn another side of the country until it was viewed differently. So, I waited for another two years until the final day, I packed all my things and left without a single goodbye to a single soul. North was not fun. 

I flew to the east-side. 

Comfort food, hilarious and kind people. I was an intense full-marathorner, daily self-training that the official coach put my name on the list without the need to join the team. Didn't know I was good at trail-running until they called my name on the stage couple of times. What an athletic life. Even so, the place itself didn't feel right at that time. So, I waited for another 5 years to get it all done, skipped my convocation day and flew back just to get my bachelor degree scroll. East-side was alright, I would come back for mom's laksa. 

I received a suggestion to move to an Island. Penang. It was almost perfect, I met undeniably crazy colleagues when everyone labelled me as our CFO's niece. So pretty much everything was taken care of. Flew back home every weekends to see friends and family. It was a great time without any constraints. I have friends helped me a lot, they teased me a lot too. But it was way too hot in that island. All year hot and sunny and with what I wore at that time, not the perfect place.

I knew the neighbouring countries will pretty much be the same. I decided to broaden my search for freedom to another continent. The easiest at that time was here. I am sure there is more to come, if it's not different continent, it will be different county of UK. Do I sound like a gypsy....

I am pleased that I am able to decide/do everything on my own even sometimes it scares the shit out of me.

Well, my first driving test didn't went well. Dangerously failed that I almost got hit by a truck. It was that bad and could have finish my life at that point. Mind was everywhere. Couldn't put 100% focus on it, a lot of things bothering me. I was all good last week and ready for it. But when everything went down the hill, I failed miserably. Luckily my provisional driving license is not affected by what happened. 

It's 4:15 am, bags packed, and my thoughts still linger on horses.

I admit, I didn't know much about horses. I learned in a week with no prior knowledge or experience even walking beside them. The experience was unexpectedly calming and invigorating. Almost meditative, especially compared to how things were before.

The anticipation of riding again gave me a subtle adrenaline rush, even amid a heavy downpour. I found myself in denial about the weather, sitting in the car, silently hoping for the rain to cease – a situation I wouldn't usually endure.

The people around me added another layer to the experience. Riding with my best friend fulfilled a long-standing desire. Our coach was fantastic, supporting us and sharing in our silly jokes. The flexibility we had only added to the enjoyment.

It was overall a unique feeling. 

After a year of diligent consideration. 

Prior to making this decision, I feel uneased and unsettled. A burden that will stay for as long as I did not take a step ahead. The moment I pressed proceed to payment, I feel a strong sense of personal drive. Although this was pretty much how I written off my one month saving all for my Chartered Financial Analysts (CFA) - Level 1, now I am eager to do revision before and after working hours, this has positively enhanced my productivity at work as well. 

As an ACCA Affiliate, I have not use my accounting knowledge on daily basis, working in a completely  different line of work so I thought it is best for me to keep myself updated with all the changes in the standards. 

Taking this step is indeed a profound motivation towards more rewarding journey. 

Lagos 2023

There is something inside of me feels unsettled, individually.

A year of working.

Earlier on when I started my job, I had so much to pay for the most part in my previous posts I mentioned about moving cities. At that time, I barely have money left from my savings. Now all my duties has been paid, I could easily save up a grand a month easily. It is just a matter of desire. This month marks my second month of saving up, and the reason why I wrote this down here when this should have been done confidentially, it is my journey to keep track on my saving jar and at the same time to discipline myself during the progress. 

I am a person who would keep my stomach empty on daily basis rather than spending money on food but when I spend, I really spend. I spent hundreds for just an item (Alexander Mcqueen boots and Dior purse for example). Thus, at the end of the month, I start over with the same amount of salary I just received. Feels like entering the next level of a game everytime you won but with exactly the same challenge. 

Invitations to go out, for tea, for dinner, meet up in London. I refused most of the time because I feel guilty to let others pay or even to split the bills, especially with friends. I feel more at ease and happier when I am the one paying. No complaints, but that is just me. So, whenever I am in short of money, I don't go out at all. But when I have the extra money every month from salary, I kept on spending, travelling back and forth from Bicester to Birmingham, there was a moment I travelled every single day to meet friends and Joao. Thinking about that again, I should have save more, instead. 

Although it took a year to come into realisation about my spending pattern, there is no space for messing around anymore. Wish me luck!